Thursday, February 16, 2006
Two people in my life are celebrating birthdays!
Yesterday February 15th, was my late father in laws birthday. He passed away a year ago Dececember, shortly after Christmas. I have missed him since. It was extremely hard for me to deal with what was happening to him. He was suffering from Brain Cancer, while I was having a very difficult life threatening (to both the baby and myself) pregnancy with Nicholas. I was unable to be there for him, I felt as if I was abandoning him and the rest of the family. I by nature don't deal well with suffering, deaths and illness....my solution ....and I know it isn't right ...is to pretend it isn't happening. Especially if there is a strong emotional connection. I was unable to see him the entire 7 months that he was ill.....a part of me is very angry and the other part is almost relieved. I know that sounds horrible, but when I saw a picture of him ill...it didn't look like the same man I knew. I have put that picture away...I want to remember him laughing and smiling and for the person he really was to me. Happy Birthday Papa!
Odd thing is that my next birthday wish is to Nicholas! Nicholas' original due date was February 16th, 2005. He was born over three months early. I believe that he was born early for a very special reason, his Papa, the man he would never get to meet. His Papa loved him so much, even before he was born. When Nicholas was born, he went and got a cross that was given to him, blessed for him.That cross was given to Nicholas for his first birthday from his Papa (thanx Grandma) He made me promise him that he would get to see him. I tried my hardest to keep that promise,the best I could do was to send him pictures. If Nicholas went to term, that wouldn't have even have been possible.We know that Papa is with him always. When Papa left us, Nicholas got stronger. Nicholas is a healthy little boy with an amazing angel watching over him.
Happy Birthday to two special guys in my life!
12:42 PM
Tammy.
